Dildos and Dalai Lamas: The World’s Weirdest Laws According to the Internet
Sex toys as weapons? Suspicious fish? What even goes in a standfirst?
Did you know that it’s illegal in Arizona to have more than two dildos in a house at any one time? I imagine it hasn’t come up. The Grand Canyon State also has a law that says, ‘when being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.’ This seems a little unfair. Especially if you consider that if a burglar enters your house armed with a two dildos it then becomes mathematically impossible for you to legally protect yourself. Your best bet would be to use some sort of synthetic vagina as a shield.
Of course if this were actually true, and not just internet folklore, it wouldn't just be Arizona that has a touch of eccentricity to its legislation. According to www.dumblaws.com — seemingly the Wikipedia of obscure legislation — Arkansas (pronounced Ark-an-saw) strictly prohibits the mispronunciation of its name, which considering the bizarre spelling should be akin to entrapment. This is the same state that apparently considers oral sex to be sodomy, so I guess it’s no surprise that its fictional legal bedrock seems to have been laid by someone talking out of their arse.
I could go on: fancy putting coins in your ears in Hawaii? Nope, outlawed. Want to sell beer in your Nebraskan bar? Not unless you’re simultaneously cooking soup, my friend. It’s not just the U.S. either: here are four weird laws from around the world the internet would have you believe to be true.
- “In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.”
I imagine the humiliation of being caught masturbating is punishment enough for what is a natural, harmless act that’d get five star reviews all over the board. But in Indonesia things have apparently been taken to a different level. It seems in this part of the world, instead of masturbation leading to blindness it could cause your entire head to come off. The one on your neck, that is. It’d probably take ages to work the other one off. You’d have to be really lonely.
The Truth: An article I came across has debunked this myth. it turns out the maximum sentence is 32 wank-less months in prison. You can add your own joke about doing ‘hard time’ in the space provided. _______________________________________________________________.
2. “It is illegal to die in the houses of Parliament”
For those of you unaware, the houses of Parliament — otherwise known as the Palace of Westminster — is a big building in England where old, rich people on the brink of death go to jeer each other and fall asleep. An oft perpetuated rumour states that dying within the building’s walls is illegal, largely because your death would then necessitate a state funeral, which is presumably a massive pain in the arse to organize and would require Elton John to write a song.
The Truth: This, as it happens, is complete twaddle. Although it’s worth noting that it is illegal to wear a suit of armour inside Parliament. It’s basically like the no-trainers rule in nightclubs, but for the top 1%.
3. “It is illegal to handle salmon under suspicious circumstances”
The 1980s were a wonderful time when shell suits were all the rage, hair was all business at the front and party at the back, and people cared more about the rights of pink fish than the working classes — largely thanks to a gone-wrong Art Garfunkel waxwork named Margaret Thatcher. What remains unclear is what ‘suspicious circumstances’ actually entails in this scenario. I assume it’s something to do with a black-market fish trade and not, for instance, handling a salmon that has a fake moustache and joke-shop glasses on. Or one you caught staring at you through two holes cut into a newspaper. To be honest, if you’re handling a salmon and you’re not fishing or cooking, then legality aside, I find you suspicious.
The truth:
This is absolutely true — apart from the Art Garfunkel bit — thanks to the Salmon Act of 1986.
4. “You may not reincarnate without government permission”
It’s hard to think of China, the land which restricts people from having more than one child, as anything other than a bit controlling. Regulating what happens in the afterlife however, is a step above. Presumably the fear is that people will be reincarnated as twins. Or more reasonable dictators. Or salmon. If someone was reincarnated as a salmon, and then handled suspiciously, it would, I presume, count as some sort of international crime spree. So best to nip that in the bud early. Well played, China, you forward-thinking superpower, you.
The truth:
Well, this might be sort of true. Apparently it’s all to do with the Dalai Lama and how China hates his face off. I know this because of this quote I’ve painstakingly sourced from ‘the internet’.
“At 72 [now 80], the Dalai Lama, who has lived in India since 1959, is beginning to plan his succession, saying that he refuses to be reborn in Tibet so long as it’s under Chinese control. Assuming he’s able to master the feat of controlling his rebirth, as Dalai Lamas supposedly have for the last 600 years, the situation is shaping up in which there could be two Dalai Lamas: one picked by the Chinese government, the other by Buddhist monks.”
I have little to no understanding of what any of this means, but if you’re reading this Dalai, you might want to consult a lawyer.
That’s about as much of this as I can be bothered to put up with. I’m off to Arizona to have a dildo fight with a salmon. If you’d like to read more writing like this, or different to this, you should check out ‘books’. Goodbye.
